One Year

I can't believe it's been one full year since Avery has been diagnosed. I remember that day like it was yesterday.. Weird because if you asked most people what they were doing a year ago today, they wouldn't be able to tell you.

I woke up that morning already panicky because I knew Avery wasn't going to be able to eat all morning before her CT scan. She cried ALL morning and it was miserable for both of us. I didn't feel like I could eat in front of her so we were both starving by the time we got up there!

When we got checked into the hospital they had me sit in a chair and hold her really close so they could start an IV. They had one of the Child Life Specialists blowing bubbles to distract her. I remember I started to feel sick (I don't do well with needles) and was waiting for her to start screaming. They poked her and she let out a little gasp and then relaxed and kept playing with her bubbles!! I thought this was definitely going to be the worst part so I started to relax after. Once we took her into the scan room she looked SO small next to that big machine. They told me over and over again that they were going to have to put her to sleep to do the scan but even after they had strapped her onto the table she was being so still. They brought out some toys and books and I got to stand by her and distract her instead of putting her under! I was SO proud of her!

Here she is standing next to the CT machine

They sent the scan over to the EMT that we had seen and he called us at the hospital to talk to me. He offered to come to our house or we could go to his house to get the results. He is a good friend of my in-laws so even then I didn't think it was weird that he wanted to give us the results in person. Looking back at it now, I was pretty stupid to think that everything was fine.

After she was done I felt so relived I decided to take her to a McDonald's play place. Normally, we avoided those places because I was always afraid of her getting hurt but I knew she would have fun. As I sat there watching her play I kept thinking, the worst part is over!

That night we got in our car to drive over to the doctors house. It was snowing so hard and took us a while to get over there. Once we did he took us into his front room and told us that the mass in Avery's head was a tumor. He told us several different things but I remember feeling like cotton was shoved in my ears after I heard the word "cancer". I couldn't think and all I could do was stare at my baby thinking I was going to lose her. I couldn't breathe or do anything but sob. I remember the doctor telling us we would meet with an Oncologist in the morning to discuss treatment options.

That night, we had both of our parents there to read the CT scan results and to see Avery. She of course, was ecstatic to have so many people there to see her and had no idea that something was wrong.

I used to define everything in my life by when Avery was born and that changed the day she was diagnosed. I can't believe how much one day can change your life for the better and for the worse. I can honestly say that so many good things have come from this. I have learned to love another person more then I ever would've thought I could. I have learned to be more compassionate then I ever thought I would. I have seen more people do more good for us then I thought was possible!

I hope that even though Avery will probably not remember this that she will use this experience to educate more people about this awful disease. That she will be able to love more deeply, forgive more easily, be more compassionate, and live life to the fullest. I know I will.